That Magical Feeling

No one likes having a full bladder and not being able to use the toilet. Except the looming ultrasound scan was almost imminent. Just half an hour left to go in trying to hold it. Jeez!

Previously, on the bus journey over to the women’s health day unit, I felt good compared to my last experience. Then, I was worrying and contemplative but this time around, it is what it is. Of course the results will be anticipated, I just do not wish to borrow tomorrow’s troubles prematurely.

Right now, what I am really looking forwards to is emptying my bladder! I really cannot hold it any more, it does say on the letter if one is desperate to go, they can release a tiny amount but to replace it by drinking more water immediately afterwards. Half an hour’s wait, too painful. Sod it.

A moment’s relief was soon brimming once more at the rim. “Bloody hell, how much longer can I hold it in for?” I thought… Recalling various moments of banter where I had teased others about listening to running taps and picturing waterfalls, that amused me still. (That made you chuckle I am sure.)

A woman suddenly appeared and asked to see my letter, who said, “I will call you in, in a few mins.” “Heck, I had just relieved myself of a little – was that little enough?” I hoped it was.

Her face was priceless as she first started the scan “Whoa! Your bladder is very full! You would not have made it if you had to wait until your allocated time!” She had called me in 20 mins early. By this time, I was bursting once again and once I was permitted to empty my bladder, it seemed never-ending. A bit, like when Austin powers was defrosting from his cryogenic period and they made him use the urinal. Funny indeed.

More probing… More questions. “Have you had an operation before? Do you have a lot of pain?” Etc. Some I answered yes to and others, no.

Finally, all was done and she informed me that I needed to see my GP in a weeks’ time for the results.

Once again, patience has to prevail.

I feel okay, perhaps detached, which might be a defence mode of mine or subconsciously being strong, for others. I have been here before albeit in different circumstances so I have been prepared in a sense for anything, if anything.

I decided to take a detour on my way home to the high street, for some “me time” to reflect on today’s roller coaster of a ride. Do I hide the fact I have had a smear test and ultrasounds from my kids as not to worry or remind them of our ordeal last time around… Alternatively, do I stick to a habit of a lifetime of which honesty is the best policy? The latter I decided on.

magicalfeeling

Walking through the high street, the Christmas cheer was welcomed. My immediate family does not celebrate Christmas but the kids get do gifts for being good. That magical feeling is certainly present and today it helped. The twinkling lights, shimmering tinsel, glowing smiles, scent of pine trees, I hope the very same magic will see me through the next few weeks of having to remain patient and positive. Some falling snow though, would add that extra magical touch in completing the overall picture. (Hint hint!)

On one hand, it is most probably nothing but on the other hand who knows. Being sporty and keeping fit does not deter what nature intended because with every beginning, there is also an end – nothing lasts forever and that is a fact of the matter, not a negative outlook as some have and may try to portray, lying to themselves in the process.

Where would we be this time tomorrow or even next year? God only knows. Life is extremely precarious and I cannot emphasise just how fragile it is to those who would much prefer to remain trivial. As I have been instructed to remember for my own sanity, other people’s shortcomings are not my problem but theirs alone.

I did feel a bit lonely today but in a good way if that is at all possible. No one I passed by knew where I had been or why and vice versa. The strangers I saw, I could not help but wonder if they too, were OK.

Family time is becoming even more so, precious – so please, do remember your loved ones and spare a thought for those you may not and do not know, for they might be lonely, cold, hungry, depressed, poor or even homeless. Especially over such wintry months. Be patient within yourself and thus with others. Not everyone will immediately appreciate that but the message is there, for those who do eventually understand, on their own terms.

Que sera, sera… Listen to your body and let nature work itself out as decreed. Do not ignore any potential symptoms or try to reign over nature, especially if the appropriate treatment could delay the inevitable, enabling your loved ones to enjoy the pleasure of your company furthermore. One day, you, they will be loving angels instead, and they will be there for us – in our hearts.

Have faith and trust in it. It all helps… That magical feeling.

Keep on smiling for it is free and does wonders. Moreover because, it suits you so… 🙂

~ SJ (Sara Jae)

Eeh Bah Gum!

Ever since I knocked on death’s door the very first time several years ago, I became ultra-aware of life itself, cherishing each little smile, touch, taste, smell and sight. In complete awe at the miracles of Nature’s designs, always.

Upon realising the fragility of life, and the stark reality of the dangers that exist all around us – it has not been an easy ride. Being extra conscious of conflicts and trivialities, my heart longs for peace and love while my head wants to drown out the cacophonies of life.

Life is precious and extremely short. I cannot put into words just how short it can be unless you realise in such a moment, suddenly understanding what it means.

Due to the nature of the operation, I had and why, I know I will one day need another operation and that time is slowly but surely, approaching. Putting off going to the doctors will not help but delay and prolong any fears of another drawn out nightmare that I do not wish to put others or myself through again.so courage will have to come into play once more.

Soon because first, I am going to create another memorable moment for the kids to cherish, by introducing them to the Angel of the North, first spreading her wings in 1998, rising some 20 metres from the earth, dominating the skyline and majestically dwarfing all those who pay her a visit. It is an experience, they will not forget.

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Eeh bah gum indeed…

🙂

~ SJ (Sara Jae)

Hasta La Vista!

say goodbye

Only quite recently, I was made aware of some genuine concerns that some of my friends had, which were complaints that certain people and charities are associating themselves with those who bullied me and others in the past.

The miscreants back then forced our mutual friends to pick sides, theirs or mine. (I have since kept the evidence and there are witnesses!) However, I would never dream of imposing such a predicament upon someone else who had done absolutely nothing wrong.

What rights does anyone have to unleash his or her negativity unto innocent bystanders? This only proves their fears of losing face and letting paranoia take over. What made it permissible for them to put innocent people in such an awkward and unfair position? One considers it as another form of bullying and it is people like them, who need a good slap for their triviality.

slap1

I advised my concerned friends to have their voices heard and to speak the truth but they are too afraid of being identified and singled out in retaliation.

Rather unfortunately, this is what the deaf world is like and because of all the disregard others have unto ourselves by toying with us as if we were pawns in agendas of theirs, I no longer want any part of it. Especially for as long as they are around continuing to manipulate people with their lies, distorting / obscuring the truth and using / manipulating people for their own gains.

I no longer use social media for obvious reasons so I can only advise and wish those unsuspecting associates well, in the hope they will soon realise and learn from the errors of their ways. That they will not lose any interest or subscribers since people are getting rather sick of seeing the bullies being thrust in their faces continuously. This only goes to show how disgusted they are, with the treatment and childish behaviour towards themselves, and me in the past.

The deaf world is fast becoming much too small for some people’s liking so it is inevitable that it is a case of, “Hasta la vista” for some of us but…

bye-goodbye-wave-GIF

In a very camp manner, I would like to embrace the hearing world with open arms and excitedly exclaim “Hiya!” and re-settle once again into a much more hospitable, amicable and respectable place.

hey

~ SJ (Sara Jae)

Social Media – The Biggest Playground, Ever.

Social media has unfortunately become quite the tool for adults to manipulate others on what was intended to keep “Friends” in contact – socially. However, if one falls out of favour, it becomes quite the playground for those to bitch, backstab and sometimes publicly, but for sure privately, defame characters.

People have approached me asking me not to allow certain people into my FB group – who are they to tell me what to do? Just because their experience with them was more or less negative does not mean my own experience will be the same so to avoid being influenced by hearsay and rumours, I gave those concerned the chance that no one else would and I am so glad that I did because every being deserves respect – regardless.

Social media has otherwise become the perfect platform for deaf people to visually keep in contact, real-time wise. However, the deaf community is oh so small so when one doesn’t get their way, they will stamp their feet and go one step further to manipulate friends, even mutual friends away from the person who stood up to them and held their ground. Is this behaviour acceptable? No! In a school playground, this would be extremely petty and childish… So much so, they would be laughed at and frowned upon by their teachers. Now, let us apply the same perceptions on people’s (mis)behaviour albeit via social media.

Do children ever actually grow up, learning to respect others and behave accordingly or is this actually an evil trait that is being compounded by desires, jealousy, greed and god knows what else? Not that long ago I posted on my FB wall that I would be removing those (on my friend list) who appeared to take to social media like wildfire, to publicly bully and joined the (m)asses in embarrassing themselves, over some poor woman’s appearance. How dare people laugh at and pick on someone else’s misfortunes, beliefs or who they may choose to be?!

There was a time when I was an admin on another group and on that admin board; the other admins were taking the mickey out of a member’s level of intelligence. I was appalled to say the least and put them on the spot by making them look at how they were behaving. Nevertheless, because I am not afraid of saying things as it is, seeking justice for all, I am relatively made out to be the aggressor when in fact, they are the ones who have defined their true colours, by instigating and encouraging others to join ranks with them. Thank you but no thank you – one would very much rather walk alone than be associated with the likes of them.

What I find extremely sad is the fact that no one else is able to actually SEE what is happening before their very own eyes, who is influencing them – who exactly is being the manipulator thus becoming the manipulated. This I find annoyingly frustrating. Unfortunately, people can be rather trivial and lose perspective in the ways of life, unable to correct themselves and respect others. Perhaps most importantly, unable to resist these undesirable traits / people. I say, let them continue to (mis)behave in a childlike way for what potentially goes around, comes around.

I truly sympathise with those who dislike using social media and understand where they are coming from – even their untold reasons why which no one should ever have to explain, for life should not be about trolls and bullies who have nothing better to do but destroy those in their paths. They deserve to be labelled as sociopaths and exposed for who they truly are. Shame on them. You know who you are.

It is about time “adults” take responsibility for their own actions and for the consequences of such actions by treating people like pawns in what is a backwards game – competing for popularity. Seriously, social media platforms need to clamp down on such people abusing their intended services and for turning it into one of the biggest playgrounds – ever.

An adults playground.

A word of advice into the ears of those being abused – take comfort in knowing they have shown you who not to be and please, do not be afraid to be yourself – remain patient, courageous, stand up and tell them to “Do one!”. Meanwhile, keep all the evidence and report them, to the social media moderators, the police and their employers. For if, they want to behave in such a despicable manner then so be it – let them be despised.

~ SJ (Sara Jae)

Que Sera, Sera

Time is precious yet it flies.

Soul surfing the past few days has been the desired effect upon reading a very thought-provoking book. As always, there is a balance – in everything around us. Except there is a balance amongst the people of today that has been giving me some cause for concern.

In trying to be kind always, ignoring certain traits as not to be critical, negative or be accused of anything false, doing right by all has made me vulnerable to certain characters of whom I am extremely grateful to. For showing me who not to be or who to become and especially, for helping me to appreciate the sincere and finer beings today.

Yet, why do I still feel such a noticeable degree of sadness when other people’s negativity and their undesirable characteristics is not my problem but solely theirs? Does this boil down to the fact that I cherish life so much more and know from experience just how relatively short it can be. Alternatively, because I can ascertain between what is trivial when to others such triviality is apparently their whole world? On the other hand, is it because I can sense the evilness influencing the people amongst us so relatively, feeling helpless in stopping it from taking hold of them thus the anticipated engineered situations? All of the above?

If they are so determined to be, who they are then just let them be. Their own shortcomings are ones they have to be responsible for and therefore, they cannot displace their blame unto others.

Que sera, sera.

The one vitally most important fact to remember is that I am no longer allowing these characters, these feelings of sadness and frustration to dictate the valuable time I have left, to appreciate my loved and cherished ones in the best and righteous manner possible. For time is precious.

Positivity rules!

~ SJ (Sara Jae)