That Magical Feeling

No one likes having a full bladder and not being able to use the toilet. Except the looming ultrasound scan was almost imminent. Just half an hour left to go in trying to hold it. Jeez!

Previously, on the bus journey over to the women’s health day unit, I felt good compared to my last experience. Then, I was worrying and contemplative but this time around, it is what it is. Of course the results will be anticipated, I just do not wish to borrow tomorrow’s troubles prematurely.

Right now, what I am really looking forwards to is emptying my bladder! I really cannot hold it any more, it does say on the letter if one is desperate to go, they can release a tiny amount but to replace it by drinking more water immediately afterwards. Half an hour’s wait, too painful. Sod it.

A moment’s relief was soon brimming once more at the rim. “Bloody hell, how much longer can I hold it in for?” I thought… Recalling various moments of banter where I had teased others about listening to running taps and picturing waterfalls, that amused me still. (That made you chuckle I am sure.)

A woman suddenly appeared and asked to see my letter, who said, “I will call you in, in a few mins.” “Heck, I had just relieved myself of a little – was that little enough?” I hoped it was.

Her face was priceless as she first started the scan “Whoa! Your bladder is very full! You would not have made it if you had to wait until your allocated time!” She had called me in 20 mins early. By this time, I was bursting once again and once I was permitted to empty my bladder, it seemed never-ending. A bit, like when Austin powers was defrosting from his cryogenic period and they made him use the urinal. Funny indeed.

More probing… More questions. “Have you had an operation before? Do you have a lot of pain?” Etc. Some I answered yes to and others, no.

Finally, all was done and she informed me that I needed to see my GP in a weeks’ time for the results.

Once again, patience has to prevail.

I feel okay, perhaps detached, which might be a defence mode of mine or subconsciously being strong, for others. I have been here before albeit in different circumstances so I have been prepared in a sense for anything, if anything.

I decided to take a detour on my way home to the high street, for some “me time” to reflect on today’s roller coaster of a ride. Do I hide the fact I have had a smear test and ultrasounds from my kids as not to worry or remind them of our ordeal last time around… Alternatively, do I stick to a habit of a lifetime of which honesty is the best policy? The latter I decided on.

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Walking through the high street, the Christmas cheer was welcomed. My immediate family does not celebrate Christmas but the kids get do gifts for being good. That magical feeling is certainly present and today it helped. The twinkling lights, shimmering tinsel, glowing smiles, scent of pine trees, I hope the very same magic will see me through the next few weeks of having to remain patient and positive. Some falling snow though, would add that extra magical touch in completing the overall picture. (Hint hint!)

On one hand, it is most probably nothing but on the other hand who knows. Being sporty and keeping fit does not deter what nature intended because with every beginning, there is also an end – nothing lasts forever and that is a fact of the matter, not a negative outlook as some have and may try to portray, lying to themselves in the process.

Where would we be this time tomorrow or even next year? God only knows. Life is extremely precarious and I cannot emphasise just how fragile it is to those who would much prefer to remain trivial. As I have been instructed to remember for my own sanity, other people’s shortcomings are not my problem but theirs alone.

I did feel a bit lonely today but in a good way if that is at all possible. No one I passed by knew where I had been or why and vice versa. The strangers I saw, I could not help but wonder if they too, were OK.

Family time is becoming even more so, precious – so please, do remember your loved ones and spare a thought for those you may not and do not know, for they might be lonely, cold, hungry, depressed, poor or even homeless. Especially over such wintry months. Be patient within yourself and thus with others. Not everyone will immediately appreciate that but the message is there, for those who do eventually understand, on their own terms.

Que sera, sera… Listen to your body and let nature work itself out as decreed. Do not ignore any potential symptoms or try to reign over nature, especially if the appropriate treatment could delay the inevitable, enabling your loved ones to enjoy the pleasure of your company furthermore. One day, you, they will be loving angels instead, and they will be there for us – in our hearts.

Have faith and trust in it. It all helps… That magical feeling.

Keep on smiling for it is free and does wonders. Moreover because, it suits you so… 🙂

~ SJ (Sara Jae)

Eeh Bah Gum!

Ever since I knocked on death’s door the very first time several years ago, I became ultra-aware of life itself, cherishing each little smile, touch, taste, smell and sight. In complete awe at the miracles of Nature’s designs, always.

Upon realising the fragility of life, and the stark reality of the dangers that exist all around us – it has not been an easy ride. Being extra conscious of conflicts and trivialities, my heart longs for peace and love while my head wants to drown out the cacophonies of life.

Life is precious and extremely short. I cannot put into words just how short it can be unless you realise in such a moment, suddenly understanding what it means.

Due to the nature of the operation, I had and why, I know I will one day need another operation and that time is slowly but surely, approaching. Putting off going to the doctors will not help but delay and prolong any fears of another drawn out nightmare that I do not wish to put others or myself through again.so courage will have to come into play once more.

Soon because first, I am going to create another memorable moment for the kids to cherish, by introducing them to the Angel of the North, first spreading her wings in 1998, rising some 20 metres from the earth, dominating the skyline and majestically dwarfing all those who pay her a visit. It is an experience, they will not forget.

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Eeh bah gum indeed…

🙂

~ SJ (Sara Jae)

A Little Angel

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I have a memory that has since been frozen in time, which I cherish, of a remarkable little girl. Her name was Rebecca Young and she was the only girl out of what seemed like a football team of boisterous brothers. One of her brothers, Wesley, is one of several beloved childhood friends of mine – to date.

His sister, Rebecca, had piercing blue eyes, long golden hair and red lips. The very mention of “Cinderella” or “Goldilocks”, I am reminded of her with fondness. Both Wesley and his sister happened to be the only ones deaf in their family so they were exceptionally close to one another.

One day towards the end of half term whilst I was home from boarding school, she came round to play. I was quite flattered that she was willing to spend time with me, at my house – without her brother even! With an abundance of laughter, we played many mentally stimulating games like ‘Pairs’ and other puzzles. She was after all, about eight years old at the time.

Little did I know then, how grateful I would be to have shared that distinctive day with her.

Boarding school meant I was away from home and my childhood friends, against my will I hasten to add so I was in for a surprise albeit a devastating one. I had returned home for the weekend two weeks later after that unfading day with Rebecca. That Sunday evening, I was packed and ready to be taken back to school except my mum stood me in the hallway; she had something to tell me.

There had been a freak accident and we would not be able to see her any more. I was confused with swirling emotions and shock since it was only quite recently that we had a play date.

“What could have happened in that short space of time to such an innocent and sweet little girl?”  I remember pondering.

I was only about eleven back then and unfortunately, I had not been so exposed to death in an adult capacity. Reluctantly, I returned to school in a state of numbness and confusion. I very much still wanted to understand and know exactly what had happened to her.

The next time I was allowed home again for the weekend, my mum had saved the local paper for me to read. They had all been aching far too much to physically tell me what had happened. As I read the paper with such care, a lump grew in my throat thus disabling me from reacting; I finally understood why she was no longer gracing us all with the pleasure of her company.

Both Rebecca and her brother, Wesley, had gone out into the fields nearby where they lived to explore. There was a developing building site adjacent to the fields and so, their “adventure” continued there. One of the large cement tubes somehow toppled onto her, crushing her underneath. Her brother went into an indescribable state of panic and ran home to get help.  I can only imagine to an extent, his frustrations at not being able to communicate to his family what had happened to his one and only sister. She was ever so precious to them all, being the only girl.

She was rushed to hospital having been crushed by the weight of this gigantic (compared to her) cement contraption, this took the strength of a good handful of grown men (her big brothers) to move. A life-saving machine kept her under and going for a week or so but eventually, her overwhelmingly brave parents who were more than well-informed of their daughter’s extremely delicate condition, decided to let her rest in peace, on her birthday.

She may have only been little but she was larger than life itself, impressing each and every one of us, for whom she was a little angel.

Rebecca, thank you ever so for that exceedingly memorable day and for being you xx

~ SJ (Sara Jae)