That Magical Feeling

No one likes having a full bladder and not being able to use the toilet. Except the looming ultrasound scan was almost imminent. Just half an hour left to go in trying to hold it. Jeez!

Previously, on the bus journey over to the women’s health day unit, I felt good compared to my last experience. Then, I was worrying and contemplative but this time around, it is what it is. Of course the results will be anticipated, I just do not wish to borrow tomorrow’s troubles prematurely.

Right now, what I am really looking forwards to is emptying my bladder! I really cannot hold it any more, it does say on the letter if one is desperate to go, they can release a tiny amount but to replace it by drinking more water immediately afterwards. Half an hour’s wait, too painful. Sod it.

A moment’s relief was soon brimming once more at the rim. “Bloody hell, how much longer can I hold it in for?” I thought… Recalling various moments of banter where I had teased others about listening to running taps and picturing waterfalls, that amused me still. (That made you chuckle I am sure.)

A woman suddenly appeared and asked to see my letter, who said, “I will call you in, in a few mins.” “Heck, I had just relieved myself of a little – was that little enough?” I hoped it was.

Her face was priceless as she first started the scan “Whoa! Your bladder is very full! You would not have made it if you had to wait until your allocated time!” She had called me in 20 mins early. By this time, I was bursting once again and once I was permitted to empty my bladder, it seemed never-ending. A bit, like when Austin powers was defrosting from his cryogenic period and they made him use the urinal. Funny indeed.

More probing… More questions. “Have you had an operation before? Do you have a lot of pain?” Etc. Some I answered yes to and others, no.

Finally, all was done and she informed me that I needed to see my GP in a weeks’ time for the results.

Once again, patience has to prevail.

I feel okay, perhaps detached, which might be a defence mode of mine or subconsciously being strong, for others. I have been here before albeit in different circumstances so I have been prepared in a sense for anything, if anything.

I decided to take a detour on my way home to the high street, for some “me time” to reflect on today’s roller coaster of a ride. Do I hide the fact I have had a smear test and ultrasounds from my kids as not to worry or remind them of our ordeal last time around… Alternatively, do I stick to a habit of a lifetime of which honesty is the best policy? The latter I decided on.

magicalfeeling

Walking through the high street, the Christmas cheer was welcomed. My immediate family does not celebrate Christmas but the kids get do gifts for being good. That magical feeling is certainly present and today it helped. The twinkling lights, shimmering tinsel, glowing smiles, scent of pine trees, I hope the very same magic will see me through the next few weeks of having to remain patient and positive. Some falling snow though, would add that extra magical touch in completing the overall picture. (Hint hint!)

On one hand, it is most probably nothing but on the other hand who knows. Being sporty and keeping fit does not deter what nature intended because with every beginning, there is also an end – nothing lasts forever and that is a fact of the matter, not a negative outlook as some have and may try to portray, lying to themselves in the process.

Where would we be this time tomorrow or even next year? God only knows. Life is extremely precarious and I cannot emphasise just how fragile it is to those who would much prefer to remain trivial. As I have been instructed to remember for my own sanity, other people’s shortcomings are not my problem but theirs alone.

I did feel a bit lonely today but in a good way if that is at all possible. No one I passed by knew where I had been or why and vice versa. The strangers I saw, I could not help but wonder if they too, were OK.

Family time is becoming even more so, precious – so please, do remember your loved ones and spare a thought for those you may not and do not know, for they might be lonely, cold, hungry, depressed, poor or even homeless. Especially over such wintry months. Be patient within yourself and thus with others. Not everyone will immediately appreciate that but the message is there, for those who do eventually understand, on their own terms.

Que sera, sera… Listen to your body and let nature work itself out as decreed. Do not ignore any potential symptoms or try to reign over nature, especially if the appropriate treatment could delay the inevitable, enabling your loved ones to enjoy the pleasure of your company furthermore. One day, you, they will be loving angels instead, and they will be there for us – in our hearts.

Have faith and trust in it. It all helps… That magical feeling.

Keep on smiling for it is free and does wonders. Moreover because, it suits you so… 🙂

~ SJ (Sara Jae)

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